Gordon Robinson | Communication crisis

So, on December 10, Wonderland finally came to Alice as Australia banned social media for users younger than 16.

The compound idiocy of the ban was underscored in a statement by Meta regional policy director Mia Garlick:

“For all our users [under 16] , we understand the importance of the treasured memories, connections, and content within your accounts.

“Look out for our official notifications; follow the instructions to safely preserve and download your digital history across Instagram, Threads, Facebook. When you turn 16 and can access our apps again all your content will be available exactly as you left it.”

That’s a cute way to show a not-so-subtle middle finger to Australia’s Government! On the eve of your 16th birthday you’re banned but the next day you’re free to explore social media and its demonic influence?

Sheesh!

But the nonsense is neverending. The legislation doesn’t provide a penalty for underage users or parents. Instead, Australia’s PM says responsibility of enforcement is on tech companies/platforms to “demonstrate they are taking reasonable steps to prevent access.”

This MUST be the Guy Lombardo Show!

The penalty on these corporations for breaching their “responsibilities” is less than Aus$1 million. So, as Clara Peller famously asked, “Where’s the beef?

You know one of Haemorrhoid’s Shaggy Dog Tale is coming. Fifty years ago Gene Autry and I made a pact. We would never vote for any party unless a Government banned dominoes or horseracing. If that happened, we’d vote against the Government at the next election.

Haemorrhoid, ever present, paused his complaints about “piles and piles” of files on his desk and told one of his infamously long, winding, anticlimactic Shaggy Dog Tales to explain that bans don’t work.

Centuries ago, the Pope decreed all Muslims must convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. After outrage from the Muslim community the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate with a Muslim community leader. If the Muslims won, they could stay, If the Pope won, they’d have to convert or go.

The Muslim community picked an aged, wise Mufti to represent them. However, as the Mufti didn’t speak Italian, and the Pope didn’t speak Arabic, they agreed to a “silent” debate.

The Pope and Mufti sat facing each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Mufti looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his fingers around his head. The Mufti pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope produced a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Mufti pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and surrendered declaring the Mufti was too clever.

The Muslims could stay in Italy.

Later Cardinals asked the Pope what happened. The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there’s still only one God! Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He beat me at every move. I couldn’t continue!”

Meanwhile, the Muslim community asked the Mufti how he’d won. “I haven’t a clue,” he said. “First, he told me we had three days to leave Italy so I gave him, as they call it, ‘the finger’. Then he tells me the whole country would be cleared of Muslims and I told him we were staying right here!”

“And then what?” asked a Muslim.

“Who knows?” said the Mufti. “He took out his lunch so I took out mine.”

Lookie here, bans don’t work. The more you ban something the more popular it becomes and the more people, especially youth, devise ways to gain access. And you can’t ban communication any more than you can ban the wind.

In the 1960s Prince Buster recorded a trio of crude spoofs to the tunes of Little Drummer Boy (Buster: Wreck a P*m P*m); Que Sera, Sera (Buster: Kiss mi r**s to r**s); and Rainy Night in Georgia (Buster: Rainy Night at Big Five). Ask Grandpa about “Big Five”. All were banned from airplay but sold more copies than Buster’s mainstream hits. Justin Hinds and the Dominoes’ Carry Go Bring Come (political offence) and Heptones’ Fatty Fatty (“moral turpitude”) were banned. Both are now regulars on vintage DJs’ playlists.

Government as every child’s parent is unsustainable, unworkable and irrational. Government can’t suppress or police curiosity or communication. At this rate Old Testament acolytes could soon ban Chess because the Queen moves too freely and is more powerful than the King.

Peace and Love.

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com